Finding hope

A lady who is working at Real Hope For Haiti sent me this picture yesterday. Such a mixture of happy and sad to see it. That smile and those cheeks are always on my mind. 

I just wanted to share my brief encounter with our pastor yesterday.

I had a total meltdown on Thursday night in Blue (sushi restaurant) with Kris. Like full out sobbing but trying not to be sobbing with people sitting right next to us. Just slightly embarrassing and awful. 

I needed to just sit and talk to Kris. We still haven't told our kids. I don't want them to feel like we are yet, so I just needed to openly talk to him and verbalize all these feelings and frustrations I've been having. 

What it came down to it I have felt like God isn't listening. I know deep down He is, but I have never felt Him be this silent before. On top of all this adoption stuff I had prayed Thursday morning hard that Katryna would have a positive experience in her first track meet that day because we new she really needed the confidence boost. When I picked her up about 20 minutes before going to Blue she climbed in the car and burst into tears because the meet went awful. Just awful. She had been getting 3rd overall when running the sprint and she got LAST overall at her first meet. This just really got me. I just felt like our family is just being beat up. Honestly we have felt this a lot since we started working in Haiti. I once again didn't understand why my prayers weren't being answered. 

Kris was amazing and reminded me that God isn't against us. He is for us. Satan is against us. We are in a full out battle obviously and we need to keep fighting. Even when we are tired. 

SO~ Kris had shared what is going on with our pastor at a meeting Thursday night (after Blue). He's not always very chatty, but he stopped me right before the sermon on Sunday as I was trying to beeline to a seat and not talk to anyone cuz I had been on the verge of tears since I woke up. 

He said he had been so frustrated since he heard what was going on. He was trying to make sense of it. (I totally understand ;) ) I shared with him my meltdown in Blue and how I felt like God wasn't listening but how we came to the conclusion that Satan is doing everything he can to keep Clemene from coming home. I said "it's just crazy!" Then he said what I'm now reminding myself of over and over. He said "it's not crazy. It makes perfect sense. He doesn't want her here. What do you think that means Roberta?" I said "I feel like she is going to be too amazing and do amazing things someday and Satan doesn't like that." My pastor smiled and said "someday we when we are old we will look back and say THAT'S why we had to fight so hard and why he didn't want her here." Wow. 

It's really weird to feel like we are battling. I've seen this over and over in Haiti, but it's so exhausting to be in it everyday. I'm worn. I'm not giving up, but I feel very worn. 

I will keep reminding myself of the TRUTH and keep fighting the fight. We already know Clemene is amazing and that she is ours. She's fought death twice and she is obviously here for a purpose. 

Thank you SO much for praying. We really love you all so much. 

I did have to smile this morning when I wrote a quick message on Kari Jobe's facebook page and ended up winning passes to meet her after the Chris Tomlin concert on Saturday night. I listen to her song "Steady My Heart" on a regular basis when I need it. We just bought tickets for the concert this morning because I new it would be good for Kris and I right now. Hoping to share with her about our girl and how much her song has helped me. 

Hoping and praying and I can let you all know SOON that our dossier has been found and we are moving forward. Please Jesus.